Tuesday, 20 November 2012

2013 Miles

"Look, it's Terry Duckworth!" I drunkenly pointed out to a friend while we danced to "Cotton-Eyed Joe" late one night at the Students' Union bar in Aberystwyth. Terry, or Nigel Pivaro, as he is known IN REALITY, did not look too happy with my drink-induced comment as we continued to fuck about and jig along merrily to the extremely loud and crap music. He was, after all, a student, so he was perfectly within his rights to be dancing along to whatever shitty tune they played in there. I was about 19 at the time. It was a strange period in my life. I wasn't quite "all there", unlike now, of course. It's hard to believe that was 8 years ago. It's also hard to believe some of the things that I've done during the course of THIS year, which has been roughly the 2012th since the birth of a bloke known to some as "Christ". Even though I've only played a handful of gigs, 7 to be precise, they have, for one reason or another, all been extremely interesting. I've also read quite a bit, written A LOT, recorded a fair amount, walked many miles, intimately cared for both a man in his 80s and his 2 year old grandson, became an expert maker of tasty pasta sauce, consumed large quantities of chilies, alcohol and (not nearly enough) other drugs, held extremely experimental musical jam sessions at a cerebral palsy centre, and came face to face with the freakish world of national politics. These are just some of the highlights. It's important for me to remind myself that I'm not a total waste of space.

But, it has to be said; Matthew Philip Hale bores me to tears. I want to be Miles Perhower. I am Miles Perhower. I know it's not big, and it's NOT clever, but it's ME: PER HOW ER... (During) the (Interrogation) of (Elizabeth Regina) - everything and nothing is questioned. Totally separate levels of consciousness are smashing into each other. Is it possible to truly exist in multiple realities? I think it is. I could never expect my family to start calling me Miles, but I do expect the rest of you to. I fucking HATE being called Matt, OK? There it is. It's OUT THERE. I despise being called Matt by anyone other than my immediate family and perhaps a very small number of old friends. I am Miles Perhower to everyone else, MPH at the very fucking least. Oddly enough, I've discovered that there's a young black guy, on Facebook (which, admittedly, is an invention that I've never had much time for), who calls himself Miles PerHower, but I must point out that I've been using that name, on and off, for a very long time now, so just remember who's the real Daddy of Perhower. Actually, Miles, if you're reading this, I don't mind the fact that we share a name because many people do. Fuck, it could even be your REAL name, but I doubt it is. Either way, despite my reputation for being an obsessive controller of all things creative in my realm, I can't actually copyright my name, and it's too late for me to obsess on finding the ultimate, totally unique and original tag that still has some sort of personal meaning. Also, I honestly had no idea that "Tails" from Sonic the Hedgehog was called Miles Prower, it was just a funny coincidence. Out of respect for my family I think I'll refrain from officially changing my name by Deed Poll, but if it comes to the crunch then I WILL FUCKING DO IT. Seriously.

Don't underestimate the power of identity, no matter how goofy it is. Fuck it, I'm renaming myself right now! It doesn't need to have any personal meaning, does it? Right. So, what do you think of these: Doctor Peter Cunt? Styles Sternowzer? Willard Treejam? Stan Chainsee? José Mujica? Ross Hadlington? Look, whatever you choose to call me, I'M NOT CALLING IT QUITS. You would have to be a seriously stupid knob to write me off. Despite the fact that I can't sleep peacefully, due to constantly dreaming of being chased by rabid dogs through familiar landscapes from my childhood, and the fact that my skin feels like it's crawling with evil little bugs whenever I try to sit still and relax, I'm actually more determined than ever to reach new creative heights during this era of extreme new lows.

My advice to any aspiring young visionaries out there is to make sure that you find a reasonably original name for yourselves / your platform. If you have an interesting birth-name then just use that. No more shitty band names please, we're past that point now. Let's have a future full of crazy auteurs who can drown out the boring, shallow pillocks. Assume NOTHING, keep EVOLVING and don't be afraid of making interesting ADJUSTMENTS. Don't let the lazy whores put you off. The only sucking up you need to do is the sucking up of an insane variety of influences. Mix that with who you are as a person and you should find yourselves somewhere pretty original - or UGLY original, get it?

Right, so now the record has been set straight I can get back to being the crooked creator of substantial stimulus. At the time of writing I am unbelievably sober. I've had no booze or drugs for 2 weeks and I feel like my head is about to explode. It's near the end November, 2012, and I'm determined to make it to 2013 without blowing loads of funds on the numbing fun stuff. Don't get me wrong, I have NO INTENTION of staying teetotal, in fact, I believe that the government should send crate loads of booze and drugs to people like me, for reasons of national security and artistic evolution, but, as that is highly unlikely, I had better grit my teeth and continue to save plenty of funds in order to take 2013 by the balls. Shit, I'm not even supposed to be WRITING anything at the moment. I convinced myself to save up plenty of word-power for the new year, but something had to give. OK, I think I've got it all out of my system now. Better get back to abstinence, the necessary evil. See you on the other side, including "Blvck Tvilz", who I'm sure is as fiercely protective of his cheesy persona as I am.


PS - If you need something to ease your mind during the upcoming 'festive' period, without actually rotting it, then I advise you to get hold of "Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!", "Tom Goes to the Mayor" and "Mr. Show with Bob and David". They all work wonders.

PPS - After having a few drops of red, in order to aid the recording of my vocals at the Midwich Youth Club and Hobby Centre, I came to terms with the fact that "Matt" is not SO bad, but only under VERY special circumstances. Watch this space, you crafty little buggers! Perhower is up to something...